不安

日子一天天的飞逝，转眼间已经到了秋季中的五月。。。回想着匆匆过去的几个月里，心里充斥着许多的郁闷与困惑，对茫茫的前路，感到不安和迷惘。同时，也窥视到了自己对感情的懦弱。

信心满满的那个我，为何不见踪影？信念坚定不移的那个我，为何动摇了？灿烂笑容常挂脸上的那个我，为何显得苦涩？心口被幸福添满的那个我，为何感到了个缺口？觉的单身也活得很好的那个我，为何会觉得寂寞？事事随缘的那个我，为何如此得执着？ 曾经的那个我，哪儿去了？

如今的我，为了他那几句不经意的话，起了凡心，烦心。自己苦了自己，自己成了自己的磨人精。他知道吗？不，他就象月亮绕着地球转般理所当然的过着他的每一分，每一秒，每一刻。他会明白吗？不，他那被层层缎带包扎的受伤心，早已麻木了他的知觉。他会体谅吗？不，他认为这只是芝麻绿豆般的小事，何必小题大作。他真那么想吗？

心中祈望着颗扎实与稳当的石头到来，牢固的把随风飘摇的风筝绑实。定下吧。。。

P/S: Happy Birthday Dad and Iris. *kisses and love*

Cracking principles

What will you normally relate a rock with? Stable, tough, reliable, dependable, fundamental, conservative, reluctant or merely just another word for stubborn?

Somehow, I always think of stubbornness, like me.

I have certain core fundamental values that which I do not trade off. It is the basic that juggles the many decisions that I make in life. It is a way how I seek a balance point. Like a rock, it doesn't just break or shatter with few desperate attempts. In most instances, it remains still and firm, static against time, a hard foundation to many. Having said so, anything above the bottom line will remain dynamic and flexible. It can be negotiated. In most instances, the open personality of mine is known by many, while the hard-headed personality is only glimpsed by few.

However, not a thing is eternal static. We grow as time flies, after the chilly winter comes the warm spring, sun sets while moon rises...

The same applies to a rock. It breaks to smaller stones. Then, it cracks into smaller pebbles. Later, it becomes finer sand...

Some of the principles I glued along with for years was out of my mind for moments. Moments when I had completely forget till a point. A point when all these values virtually slapped me back. At that instance, I was shocked and felt sudden awaken from nightmare. All these principles hit me hard as it had never before.

I have been thinking of what had happened for the couple of days and I asked myself, "Do I feel remorseful?" and the true answer, "I don't know." I know that I should not have done so. I can find reasons to defend myself, but it will be dishonest. The truth is I was weak...

Gandhi once said, "A principle is the expression of perfection, and as imperfect beings like us cannot perfect perfections, we devise every moment limits of its compromise in practise." and I think I can now say he has a point or an excuse for me.

Nonetheless, I am able to look into myself once again.

He ain't heavy, he's my father

If you have been watching Cantonese movies for long, you might not hear of "He ain't heavy, he's my father", but you will probably hear of "新难兄难弟". A 1993 film with big names, such as 梁家辉, 梁朝伟, 袁咏仪, 刘嘉玲, 陈可辛... *Sorry... Don't know their English name...* The story talked about Yuen scorns his father, who he thinks is too generous and forgiving. Through a time travel gimmick, Yuen meets his parents during their joyous courtship. Yuen comes to understand and admire his dad, and reflect on his own moral defects. A story with much to think of and reflect on, especially, on the way how people deal with relationships.

It is one of my all time favourites.

So when Winnie told me about the screen play in Melbourne Uni, I said yes without a second thoughts. However, I was not impressed at all. Well... I do understand that it was a student play and I should not be complaining as much, but I have to pay $15 to get a seat. Frankly speaking, it did not worth that price with my critique hat on. Some of the actors did not bring out the essence of the characters and some were just trying too hard. The side dialogue was a bit disengaging instead of engaging. The pace of the play could be better. *For many moments, I had almost fallen asleep* Also, I was hoping for some new ideas integrated into the script and apparently not. Having said so, the stage setting was quite nice and the mother-in-law character was well played.

*Hmmm...*

For some I-do-not-know reasons, the play gave me an unsettle feeling and there was a sense of creepiness... *It somehow reminds me of The Butterfly Effect... Yikes!*

Seven Mile Fragrance

Walking along Drummond Street, passing by the old Victorian terrace, running across the zebra crossing, under the same sky, same tree, same time... and for a moment I stood. Where was the refreshing fragrance from the Common Jasmine Orange? *One of favourites, a flower who has a beautiful name in my mother tongue, Seven Mile Fragrance (七里香)*

Still remember the day, I stepped foot at Drummond. It was bad and depressing, just simply down emotionally... Somehow, at that spot, I found smile and spirit to keep me going. It was the therapeutic fragrance. Since then, I stopped for couple of seconds and had a few deep breath every time I passed.

This noon, I was there again, but the fragrance was no where to be found. Lost, lost one day, today. I stood and tried to search. I only saw the flower faded. Couple of petals had fallen, couples had turned yellow, couples had... I looked up into the sky, gloomy and only had little sun light beamed through the mist of clouds. Then, I noticed the tree leaves by the streets had slowly coated with a greenish yellow texture.

It is autumn.

It was spring around this time last year, I was in Graz. I am in Melbourne now. With the fragrance disappeared in the air, it took away big piles of my sadness and sorrows. Out of the blue, I hand my hands high up and clapped couple of times, thinking that some of the leaves might fall. It had not. *smile*

I looked at my watch. I fastened my pace. I was late. The guys would be complaining... and they did. At least, I am much happier now. *smile*

2nd May

Will you remember what you did last year, on this very day and very moment? A usual me will be like whatever and why bother? *Too busy I guess...* However, I remember 2nd May 2006 on 2nd May 2007. *Ya... I am too boring... hahaha~*

On 2nd May 2006, this point of time, I just went through an awful embarrassment, wore the wrong thing for work, like an alien. My boss was wearing T-shirt, short pants with slippers. Sitting opposite is me, the decent young man with full suit, neat tie, polished leather shoes. What a scene.

On 2nd May 2007, this point of time, I just finished my lunch and had great laugh over some hilarious stuff, found Sepet screening on a shit time. *Argggghhh... I have Spiderman 3 to watch...* At the moment, chatting online, writing this article and checking mails.

Major difference = job then jobless now = Austria then Australia now = ... then ... now.

This morning, I danced along with kids again and started with a fantastic morning. Only problem, my brain is still aching.

Can't stop smiling.

For no reasons, *still figuring...* I feel ecstatic today and simply can't stop smiling. Maybe because I didn't sleep well yesterday... *Hmmm... I doubt so...*

Let me refresh my memories...

Early in the morning, I raised from my bed, felt a bit dizzy, *still recovering...* had my fingers massaging my head, sat mindlessly on the sofa, covered myself with a rug, had some awfully bitter Ku Ting Cha, practiced Yoga, watched AK morning talk show, applied my hydrating mask, took a hot shower... Danced along with elves and fairies in the Kid show, *... ... ... Hold on... dance... Hahahaha... A little bit of kid in me or was I simply over bored then?* chanted sutra and mantra...

Alright, I don't know why, but just simply feeling good today. Let it be then. *Maybe because I am less sick now? Or maybe my brain suffered permanent damage and cause abnormal behaviour?*